November 8, 2006

Dear Santa,
It’s me, Joe, and it is that time of year again! I’ve been a very good boy this year, and I don’t have an extremely large list. If you could take care of some of my requests, I’d really appreciate it. Actually my list is only kind of for me; it’s really for my favorite football team, the University of Central Missouri Mules. They’ve had a rough a season this year, and that is something to which we Fighting Mules fans are not accustomed.

Number one, a return specialist. Going into the final game of the season, the Mules are averaging 10.6 yards on 24 punt returns and 19 yards on 37 kickoff returns. The punt return average is the lowest for the Mules since 1999, and the 24 returns and kickoff return average are the worst in the Willie Fritz era. I’m not even going to comment on the number of punts the Mules have not caught that have rolled another 10-20 yards and been downed inside the five. It is a difficult job, returning kicks. It’s hard to block 11 angry men charging downfield with a full head of steam. It’s even more difficult to try to catch the ball as it falls from the sky while not thinking about those torpedoes charging at you. But my beloved Mules have tried five guys back there with little success. So tops on my list is a return man.

Second, Santa, we need a placekicker. Again, this is a tough task, but it is vital. Maybe that man is on Central Missouri’s roster. Spencer Webb has looked good at times, as has Derek Lumpkin, but 9-of-15 on field goals and 31-of-34 on extra points just is not going to win in the MIAA. We need a guy with a big leg who can hit from 40 to 45 yards and make extra points an after thought.

Number three on my list is a new leaf blower; mine burned up last spring.

Also, I’d really appreciate another season of eligibility for Mr. Toby Korrodi. The guy has thrown for more than 10,000 yards in his career and has a touchdown-to-interception ratio of like 1,000-to-1. This one is a long shot, I know, but if you could work a little magic...

In the absence of Toby, how about a game-breaking wide receiver? The Mules dropped more than 40 passes this year and that cannot happen again. We also have a stable of talented young receivers coming back who are good possession guys, but we need a home run hitter, someone who if he’s even, he’s leaving.

We also need a feature back. After enjoying five 1,000-yard rushers in six seasons, Central Missouri hasn’t had one the past two years. There isn’t a bigger Jeremy Braden fan than me, but if he is going to be our feature back in 2007, we’re going to need a change-of-pace guy. Jeremy is a bulldozer; we’ll need a finesse runner, too.

Defensively, could you make Kendal Ricketts about three inches taller and take a tenth or two off his 40 time? He is a stud as it is but, if he was a little taller and faster … you know what, scratch that. If he was taller and faster, he’d be in the NFL next year.

Seriously, defensively Coach Fritz and his staff need a pass rusher with speed to burn. The 17 sacks by the Mules in 2006 is the lowest total since 2000. What’s more, senior Andrew Jilles leads the team with three sacks (the lowest total for a team leader in the Fritz era) and he hasn’t played in four weeks.

I like our style of defense, Santa. I like the smaller, quicker defensive linemen. But if we are going with that, could you please send a couple big linebackers? We do have a couple guys coming back with talent; Adrian Singletary and Mike Dillon are good ‘backers, but two is not enough in the MIAA.

And finally, Santa, if I could request one present early, could you please deliver a second consecutive win over Pittsburg State this Saturday? A win and the Mules would finish 2006 at 6-5, their ninth consecutive winning season. I’d really appreciate it.

Oh yeah, and peace on earth, and good will toward men.

Your friend,
Joe

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